Anguish in Joy…

My chest was heaving; as I passionately submitted my grievances… Why me? Why??? I didn’t ask to walk this path… I was a fun-loving, happily superficial ‘go-lucky’ gal until you started pressing me for more! What do you want from me? I can’t stop speaking about you, and I read about you and play over everything you tell me in my head over and over again! What kind of mad passion is this? My life was so much simpler when we were just acquaintances… but nooooo we had to be closer and yet closer. Still… You warned me… Warned me that our life together may cause isolation for periods of time, but come on!

Late at night I am awakened, and I just start pouring out my heart to you… I just can’t seem to stop myself from wanting to be with you… Oga o! Emi na sa re!!! (Wow! This is I?)… Hmm… Sure our times together are amazing, and you show me and tell me things that are too stupendous to imagine…. Sure you hone and stretch me to be the best that I can be… Sure you urge me to give of myself and I am still amazed that there is more to give, but is it worth it? IS IT WORTH IT???

The source of my anguish? From yet another who does not see as I see, yet feels that they can paint a picture of me based on hear-say, hear-see or hear-do… yet another who seems to have the audacity to write out their version of the chapters of my life without knowing who the heck I am….


Yes,  I counted the cost at the beginning of this journey, thought I had enough in me to complete it; But here I am again asking for more, ‘cos more and more I will need to thrive in this life you have built for us… Yet again I ask:


I sobbed till I had nothing left in me… I was spent, I had come to the end of myself!

The storm over, the volcano, now a pulsing throb of heat. Very faintly I hear you begin to speak, from where you sat, quietly in the corner of the room, listening to my anguished outpouring… And I strain further to hear… “Oh if only you know much I love you…  How much my heart bleeds to hear your cries… I understand you know, those were the same impassioned words that poured from my heart when I faced the obstacles before me… The obstacles that I had to endure, live, die and come alive to, just to be with you…


Was it worth being ostracized and thought of as nothing, even though my own knew my worth? Was it worth wooing you over and over again, until I finally won your heart? Was it worth it to see you begin to smile again and dance for the joy that filled our hearts? Is it worth knowing that even though we may have to walk together, yet separate ourselves, it is so, for us to be able to look into the other’s hearts without distraction?


Turning over I sat, and with the tears still wet on my cheeks I started turning the pages of the picture book you gave me when we started this journey.

As I turned the pages, I saw pictures taken, snapshots of our ’together’ times… some made me cry, some brought a chuckle to my lips, some were so stunning as seeming to have been painted by the Hand of God… so amazing in its brilliance, and clarity. As I turned the last page, a sigh escaped my lips; I looked up and saw my you, beloved’s eyes tenderly fixed on me. I reached out, and you took my hand…


He smiled; “You tell me”…

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